ISIS IS TO BLAME
In a recently disclosed intel report, drone footage captured a small encampment of ISIS troops playing, “what appeared to be small wooden toys with a ball on a string, wooden cups ending with a long point.” After reviewing the footage, military intelligent experts determined that the ISIS insurgents were in fact playing kendama. Exactly what kendama’s they were playing or the tricks they were landing was not released in the report; however, one of the intelligence analysts was reported saying, “They were landing some bomb-ass tricks. Straight up slaying in the desert.”
Just this past week, the intelligence report was finally reviewed by President Trump resulting in a (now deleted) Twitter tirade, first starting with his attempt at understanding what exactly a kendama is, giving up, and finally proposing a 20% tax hike on all “STUPID WOODEN TERRORIST TOYS! BAD!”
Now, while it is unlikely this proposal will ever get much further than Twitter, there is still the potential risk that all kendama sales within the United States could be potentially taxed at an exponentially higher rate than we’re used to (the customary sales tax rate). Trump failed to disclose any attack on import/export for the international kendama trade, but there is still a chance it could become a problem(especially considering his recent tariffs placed on China).
I, much like the rest of you, am fully aware that playing kendama does not make you a terrorist. However we must be aware and concerned about what kendama playing in public means for us. While most of the country ignored Trump’s anti-kendama Tweets, there are still those few supporters who cling to every insane word our demagogue writes. Do not let these people stop you from playing. If you are in line at the coffee shop, slaying in a local park, or catching the deepest spike of your life out to dinner with your in-laws, slay on and don’t let Trump, ISIS or anyone else stop you.